a gentle and quiet spirit

1 Peter 3:4
let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 

I had the privilege of hearing Jani Ortlund speak about glorifying god in marriage at the Acts29 pastor's retreat last week. She shared some thoughts on what it means to have a gentle and quiet spirit which I particularly appreciated as I've been trying to identify what that looks like. I know it's more than the opposite of someone who's brash and loud, but how does that practically play out? One aspect of this spirit is avoiding being a nagging wife. Ortlund read through the following verses from Proverbs and then spoke specifically on how being a nag is definitely not an example of a quiet and gentle spirit and how it can be quite damaging to our marriage.

21:9 - Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
21:19 - It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
27:15 - A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day

When we nag we convey that we don't trust our husbands and try to control them through our words. This is talked about in Genesis 3:16, when we are told that as a consequence of the Fall, woman will constantly battle the desire for control and authority over her husband. As I was processing through some of this stuff I went back and listened to an old sermon that The Rev gave about biblical womanhood. In it, he brings up similar points about nagging and suggests taking your husband out on a night when there are no stressers or other distractions and tell him then about things that you would like to see change or concerns you have. I've learned over time that it's also beneficial if I give Kevin a timeline for specific tasks. For example, "sometime in the next week can you get the ____ out of storage in the garage? I would really appreciate it." Then, it's not like I'm pressing him to drop everything immediately and do what I want, but there is also an understanding that if it still isn't done a week after he agrees to it, I'm justified in giving him a reminder (which rarely happens with this system). 

Ortlund also shared some great insight into the relationship between Mary and Joseph and how things played out after she announced to Joseph her big news about becoming a mom. We can assume that Joseph's immediate thoughts when Mary told him that she was pregnant were that she had been unfaithful. My immediate response if I were put in Mary's shoes would probably be to plead with Joseph and try to make him understand the real circumstances of this miraculous conception. Ortlund, however, pointed out that there is no scriptural evidence that Mary tried to persuade Joseph. One of my favorite things that Ortlund said was, "Mary trusted God to convince Joseph of what she knew to be true." Mary had faith that if God was going to use her in his crazy, unbelievable plan, then he would do the hard work of convincing Joseph and anyone else - and He did. Too often, I go on the offensive and feel the need to convince others. I have such a strong desire to justify myself. Wouldn't it be refreshing if I could rest in the fact that God is in control of situations like these and I could take my observations, requests, concerns to others once and then allow God to work in their heart without turning it into a battle where I'm the one responsible for changing people's minds?