it's just a baby gate

So, I've been feeling really out of control. It started with "the" meltdown and my other mood swings, but lately I've been feeling out of control in just about every area of my life. Nan is a strong-willed child. She doesn't lack personality, but she's intense and often demanding. Is it too early to say she's going through the terrible two's?? She can be very disobedient and it makes me feel even more out of control because I can't direct her behavior in positive ways. The Rev's mom gave us a baby gate a while back that's been in her basement. I've been hesitant to use it. After a long day of Nan crawling on things she shouldn't, pulling food out of the fridge, emptying bathroom trashcans, etc., the Rev thought it would be a good idea to bust out the gate to try to reinforce some boundaries for her. It's set up in the hallways that divides the two major living spaces in our house-the living room and kitchen/dining room. I was already a little fragile after a hard day with her, but the gate put me over the edge. Cue the waterworks. The Rev looked at me and in the most loving way possible said, "Mama, it's just a baby gate." To which, my response was something along the lines of, "It's more than a gate. It's symbolic of what a bad mom I am and everything I can't control in my life right now!"

Yikes. So maybe that was a bit dramatic. In a clearer state of mind I was able to see that it is just a baby gate. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad mom because I can't always control my child. It doesn't mean that my house is closing in around me as we make space for Owen and my life seems limited to one room. It should make my life easier, not more difficult and I love my husband for reminding me of that. Being the rational and practical one isn't always received well by a crazy pregnant wife, but it's usually what she needs. 

The past few months have been hard at times, but they've also been incredibly good. This has been one of the most refining seasons of my life. God has used my role of being a mom and working through the emotions of this pregnancy to reveal so much to me about where I find my identity and value. I have serious idols of pride and control and He's made that painfully clear. When God wants to teach you something, he will in one way or another until you get the point. Sometimes it takes me a while to catch on. Last week making me feel absolutely out of control was what brought me to His feet and brought some clarity about who's truly in control - the Lord. So, yes, it's just a baby gate.