apathy, vanity, and the pursuit of clothes that fit

I wear some version of sweatpants and a t-shirt just about every day. I rarely put on make-up and I can't remember the last time I blow dried my hair. This is mostly a product of my general sense of apathy in trying to look nice because no one other than my husband sees me and I'm bound to have someone (my children, that is) wipe their hands or face on me within minutes. Taking the extra step to put on clean clothes seems futile. On Sunday mornings I actually get dressed and put my face on. Why? I guess because I want to look nice for people. That begs the question, why don't I ever want to look nice for my own husband?? I know that he doesn't love me less because I don't dress up every day, but wouldn't it be a real gesture if I went the extra mile and made him feel like I cared more about his view of me than that of everyone else?

The other reason I don't get dressed is because very few of my "real" clothes fit. Vanity isn't something that I'd say I've ever really struggled with, but suddenly I find myself loathing getting dressed because I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. It's a heart issue really and I care too much about what other people think. As I continue to slowly drop my baby weight I'm finding more in my wardrobe that I can squeeze into. Yes, squeeze. I have ten more pounds to lose before I'm back to pre-baby weight, but I know that my clothes still won't fit the same even when I reach that goal. Something that I learned after Nan's birth and tell all of my mommy friends is, "pre-baby weight doesn't equal pre-baby body." And is that so surprising? Creating life takes a toll on your body. There are of course those women who look like they spring back to their original splendor weeks after giving birth, but they are the exception not the rule. I feel quite sure that even they would say that their bodies just aren't the same.

All of that being said, I'm trying to embrace the love handles, muffin top and stretchmarks, but it's easier said than done. That's why I'm putting this out there. I feel like if I put it in writing I might actually look at these imperfections as a badge of honor instead of feeling so self-conscious and vain. Back when we were struggling to get pregnant with Nan I would have gladly signed up for all of this and more in a heartbeat. Because it just. doesn't. matter.

As we embark upon swimsuit weather and temps that make it impossible to hide behind baggy clothes, I pray that I will truly find my beauty, value and identity in the One who created me. I pray that I will be more concerned about whether or not people see Him in me than anything else. Amen.