anxious

It's been a really long week. The Rev had a very meeting heavy week that took him out of the house from 6am to 11pm on two different days. The rest of his week wasn't much better. Usually, I can survive without his evening reprieve if I schedule enough playdates and other events to keep me busy. Unfortunatley, Buddy got some kind of bug midweek so I had to cancel most of my outings. He hasn't been sleeping well, which in turn has me exhausted and he's been super fussy, which has really been wearing on my nerves. All of that coupled with not getting out to interact with people has definitely been taking its toll on me. I have this constant feeling of anxiousness. I guess I'd classify myself as fragile....maybe a little crazy. 

Case in point. As I was teetering on the brink of sanity while washing the dishes today, I decided it might be helpful if I just talked to another adult (no offense Sis), so I called a friend. I was so glad she answered the phone and attempted a chipper greeting. Her response, "How are you?"{insert skeptic tone} lead me to believe that I had fallen short. My voice cracked as I answered, "O..kay.." {why did she have to ask such a hard question?} and then I started totally laugh crying. Yes. Open the flood gates. "Can you give me a minute. I just need to cry this out." "Sure, go ahead. haha." That's what friends are for. I am a total lunatic and I am so lucky to have this woman in my life. I digress. 

Last week I listened to a Keller sermon about Psalm 1 called Meditation. In the end as he talks about the practice of meditation he suggests taking a single passage of scripture, something really small, and focusing on it throughout the day. "Talk to your soul about it and listen for the Lord to speak." I've really been trying to practice that and this morning the passage that I chose to meditate on for today was 1 Peter 5:7-8. Here's the first part: 

7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

This takes practice. And obviously it didn't make me all still and at peace because I ended my day weeping on the phone to my best friend, but sanctification is a process, eh, and I'm not sure that was entirely the point of the passage anyway-peace, that is. Anyway, all day I kept telling Him that I was anxious. I told him I felt like I was going to lose my mind because this baby would NOT stop crying. I told him, "Lord, I know Buddy is sick and I pray that instead of making me frustrated, you'll give me patience and compassion." I told him that I was stressed about what a poor housekeeper I was. I told him that I felt like a horrible mom because I was feeling anxious. I felt like a bad wife because I was anxious. I was anxious about being anxious. And so on and so on. In a spiral. A friend of mine once described it as getting stuck in your own head. 

Here's the next part of that passage:

8 be sober minded and watchful. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

The Rev and I have had weeks like this before. Months probably. This week it was the perfect storm of him being over-scheduled and me being under-scheduled and both of us being overwhelmed. Our circumstances lead both of us to exhaustion, stress, and poor communication. And what I realized was that in our weakness, we had become easy prey for the enemy who is real and who is actively trying to gain a foothold in our lives. This is a theme that I've written about a number of times in the past and I'm sure the Lord will continue to refine me and teach me about. Pray with me for protection for our family against attacks from the enemy and for health, peace, and rest.


Pray that I won't just stop at casting my anxieties on him, but that I will cling to the truth that he truly DOES care for me. Really. I'll be honest, it's a lot easier for me to believe it right now, sitting in my quiet house, kids tucked in their beds, limited distractions, another day done, than it might be tomorrow. Pray with me that the devil will not use exhaustion or illness or meetings or whatever else it is to draw us away from the truth that He DOES care for us. If His life, death, and resurrection don't prove that, I'm not sure what could.