I reserve the right to change my mind

I recently moved a good deal of content from my old family blog over to this new space. In doing so, I had to edit each post to change the names of my husband and children because I decided to make this new endeavor pseudo private. You know, to protect the identities of the guilty....er innocent...er..... Anyway - as I was reading through 4+ years of old posts I came across several posts that really made me cringe. guh. I almost didn't repost them in the archive here. I mean, I could act like it never happened, right? No one would be the wiser. After giving it some thought I decided to keep the content. I think it's important. I am constantly growing and evolving and my writing reflects that. There are a few things that haven't changed over time. Jesus is Lord, my sin was atoned for by His blood and I'm free because of his sacrifice. My works will never be enough. Grace abounds. These are things that I wholeheartedly believe. Now, there are many other things that have changed over time. Consider the following:

-After I graduated from high school and was about to head off to college I swore that no matter what it took I wouldn't gain the dreaded freshman 15. (I succeeded, gaining 25. that counts, right?)

-While shopping for a bed with my fiancé we were encouraged to buy a King size, but we thought it seemed way too big, so we went with the queen so we could snuggle (I love The Rev, but man a King sized bed sounds pretty clutch these days)

-Before having children I swore I'd never drive a minivan (I LOVE my mini van)

-The Rev and I used to be total dog people. I didn't think I could ever love something more than them (My mother in law had to adopt our dogs after I threatened them within an inch of life after the second baby arrived....)

-I swore I'd never walk around with a baby/toddler with a drippy nose. ew. gross (Um, I've got bigger fish to fry, people. This snotty kid that will scream bloody murder when I break out the tissues is the least of my worries.)

-I thought I'd never be that person with the deranged child in Target/Kroger/Kohl's/the library/church....ok, you get the point (even superior parents can't control the riffraff all of the time)
-I was sure that only really lazy parents would park their kids in front of screens. That wouldn't be me.... (see below. A mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. In fact, after baby number two I instated a 6 month post partum guilt free, unlimited screen time, piles of laundry and dirty dishes allowed grace period! I highly recommend it :)

And so on and so on. 

I'm coming to realize this - I can't know exactly what choices I will make in the future. I can hypothesize, but until I'm actually living IN it and THROUGH it, I can't know for sure what I will do. Circumstances change and I'm not so omniscient that I can know how I will change with those circumstances. Sometimes when I read my old words, I want to go back and shake myself. I want to scream, "you think you've found such freedom, but you're SO constrained by the law!" And I'm sure that five years from now I'll read some of my words and shake my head once again. Sometimes I'm afraid of sharing something because I'm afraid of future self. Or I'm afraid that if I put it into writing someone else down the road will call me out as a hypocrite because I've changed my mind. "Oh, you used to only believe in x,y,z method of discipline, but look at you now. Putting your kid in time out. tsk. tsk." So, here it is. I reserve the right to change my mind. And it's never too early or too late to do it. Some things I thought would work as a wife actually don't. Some methods I thought would work as a parent don't. Some of my perspective of what a godly woman looks like is different than I ever thought it would be. 

That doesn't mean I used to be a failure and now I have it all figured out and have arrived. Far from it. I'm just in a different place with lots of new experiences. The things I thought in the past were crucial to the process of God growing me and molding me. He ordained every step, even the ones that seem like missteps. I don't ever want to fear being called a hypocrite so much that I can't change my mind when the Holy Spirit is working. I honestly believe that it's all part of a much larger picture that I'll never be able to fully see or grasp and I want to be open to how He is leading me.