lies I believe

I've been wishing away my days. I find myself counting down the hours until the kids go to bed and then as I look back at the day - feeding, diapering, picking up toys, weathering tantrums, "playing" - I have this feeling that I've accomplished nothing. I'm beginning to see why Betty Freidan's words in The Feminine Mystique resonated so deeply with housewives of the 1960's when she wrote,"Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffered Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night — she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question — "Is this all?""

I, too, hate admitting that I've asked that question in some of my darker moments. I'm so excited to make it through another day and then I get this sinking feeling when I realize I'm just going to get up and start all over again in a few hours. The thought is immediately followed by serious feelings of guilt. I mean, we tried to get pregnant for two years and my dream has been to be a stay-at-home mom. I have too many friends that are struggling through infertility. How can I feel like this? These feelings are more a product of my idols than anything else. I made becoming a mom such an end-all that I have a hard time not feeling joy, gratitude, and blessing out of it every second of the day. That's what happens when you idolize something. Besides Jesus, everything else you worship will fail. 

This is where being a follower of Christ makes all the difference. This isn't all there is. There is infinitely more. He has made every day with a specific purpose, ultimately to glorify His name. I may not always feel like my days have value or worth, but those are the lies I believe. The truth that I've been meditating on can be found in Psalm 118:24, This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. 

Today is god ordained and important, and I shouldn't just be trying to survive it. I should delight in it, but also feel freedom (instead of guilt) in the fact that sometimes I won't be excited to eat hot dogs, watch Sesame Street, and play with baby dolls all day. It may seem mundane, monotonous, and mind-numbing, but I should rejoice in God's bigger picture and be constantly reminded of his grace. Anna is learning a TON every day and although I'm not responsible for all of it I should embrace the fact that I am for some of it. Being able to say no and weathering a tantrum is training her up in the ways of the Lord - right? 

I also have to remind myself that this is a season. One of many that I'll go through in my walk with Christ and as a mother. Knowing that this will pass should give me reason to look forward with hopeful expectation but ALSO to rejoice in what today is bringing because it won't last forever. My babies will be grown up and I'll long for these days again. I LOVE being a mom and being able to stay home with them. I'm clinging to the truth that they are my ministry and that being the best wife and mom that I can be truly will bring glory to God - and that's more than enough.