A few months ago (yes, this post has been in draft form for that long) a new mom was sharing with me her struggle to sit down and get into the Word. She had one baby who was still napping more than once a day. As she was speaking the thought popped into my head, "Ha. Just wait until you have 3 kids, it'll take an act of God (pun intended) to get 30 minutes of peace." Luckily, I kept it to myself and moved on with my day.
Days later I was trolling facebook and read a post from a mother in a similar lifestage as my own asking for some advice about discipline and sleep training. More than one woman responded to her somewhere along the lines of, "Oh, just wait until you're my age. One day they'll all be grown up and you'll miss these days. You'll forget all about the diapers and sleeplessness. Enjoy every single minute!" Something in me just bristled. And then, I immediately remembered my own response to the new mom. Since then, I've become painfully aware of my tendency (and yours!) to blert out, "just wait until...." or some version of them that minimizes the situation of someone else. Here are a few examples:
-To the very pregnant and uncomfortable woman lamenting how little sleep she's getting: Just wait until you have that baby. You'll never sleep again!
-To the mom sharing her struggle with parenting littles: Just wait til they start walking! OR Just wait until theyre teenagers!
-To the college student stressing about finals and lamenting that they just don't have any time: Just wait until you get a REAL job in the REAL world. Then, you can talk about stress.
-To the engaged couple looking forward to sharing a home and a bed: Just wait until you've been married X years!
-To the dating couple who tell you about their weekly date night: Just wait until you're married and have kids and haven't had a date in months!
-To the single man or woman sharing their desire to be married: Just wait until you're actually married! It's not all it's cracked up to be!
The list could go on with variations of praises squelched by our friends mixed in with lamentations reduced to trivial whining. The next time you feel yourself about to utter, "Just wait until...X", I implore you - DON'T. And here's why:
1. It's self-centered
It turns something that a person was sharing with you into a conversation about you. Instead of immediately responding with your own experience, practice being a better listener and question asker. Though we live in a narcissistic culture, it's not about us all of the time. gasp.
2. It's condescending
I LOVE for people that are ahead of me in life to share what they've learned along the way. It's invaluable and I learn and grow so much from those shared experiences. I DON'T love when people minimize the situation I'm in. Maybe YOU don't remember your kid being in diapers, but I'm living in it right now and it's hard. Or maybe YOU don't remember being a newlywed, but can I just enjoy this moment of newfound bliss before you tell me all of the hard things that are going to come my way?
Sometimes I run errands with just one kid. It always seems like such a breeze compared to toting all three around. That wasn't always the case though. Once upon a time it was crazy hard for me to get out of the house with one child. I didn't learn it overnight and I shouldn't put those expectations on others. The Lord continually grows us and changes us through our experiences.
3. It's discouraging
As the mother of three small children I often feel like I'm drowning. It's not super helpful to hear that these are the best days of my life OR even worse - that it's going to get infinitely harder. Yes, there may be truth to what you're saying, but often it's in the way that it's said that can lead me into a downward spiral of despair. If these are the best days, then what's next? Am I a horrible mom because I'm NOT loving every minute? I'm so stinking exhausted and you're telling me that I'm not going to sleep for another 20 years? Marriage is hard, and you're saying that it gets harder? etc.
Ephesians 4:29 tell us, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." It's the better version of, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," because in it we're commanded not just to be silent, but to speak to others in a way that builds up and encourages.
There IS a way to be truthful AND encouraging to one another. For example, to the sleepless pregnant mom an appropriate response might be, "You might not get much more sleep after the baby is born, but at least you won't be so uncomfortable and you'll have a sweet little face to look at!" Or instead of, "Enjoy every single minute," maybe try, "there are so many smelly moments, but those aren't the ones you'll focus on down the road. Embrace and cherish the sunny days and rely on the Lord's sustaining grace to to help you get to tomorrow. You can do it. You're doing a good job."
I'm not saying that you should just tell people what they WANT to hear. Rather, I'm saying that we need to do a better job listening to one another and telling each other what we NEED to hear. First and foremost that Christ came to save sinners! One of the easiest ways to speak life to each other is to speak scripture.
Psalm 118:24 - This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Gal 5:1 - It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened by a yoke of slavery.
Hebrews 4:16 - So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.
I've made a conscious effort not to say, " Just wait until..", but that doesn't mean I don't catch myself thinkingit. The difference now is that when I do, I think back to a different stage of life or try to put myself in their shoes. Then, I really try to hear them. It's difficult to know what your brother or sister needs if you aren't listening. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me to take a nap. Sometimes, on the other hand, I need someone to tell me to stay awake and spend some time with the Lord! The next time you find yourself rolling your eyes as someone laments, pause and consider what a better way to bring them grace might be. I'm sure you can come up with something :)
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