I reserve the right to change my mind

I recently moved a good deal of content from my old family blog over to this new space. In doing so, I had to edit each post to change the names of my husband and children because I decided to make this new endeavor pseudo private. You know, to protect the identities of the guilty....er innocent...er..... Anyway - as I was reading through 4+ years of old posts I came across several posts that really made me cringe. guh. I almost didn't repost them in the archive here. I mean, I could act like it never happened, right? No one would be the wiser. After giving it some thought I decided to keep the content. I think it's important. I am constantly growing and evolving and my writing reflects that. There are a few things that haven't changed over time. Jesus is Lord, my sin was atoned for by His blood and I'm free because of his sacrifice. My works will never be enough. Grace abounds. These are things that I wholeheartedly believe. Now, there are many other things that have changed over time. Consider the following:

-After I graduated from high school and was about to head off to college I swore that no matter what it took I wouldn't gain the dreaded freshman 15. (I succeeded, gaining 25. that counts, right?)

-While shopping for a bed with my fiancé we were encouraged to buy a King size, but we thought it seemed way too big, so we went with the queen so we could snuggle (I love The Rev, but man a King sized bed sounds pretty clutch these days)

-Before having children I swore I'd never drive a minivan (I LOVE my mini van)

-The Rev and I used to be total dog people. I didn't think I could ever love something more than them (My mother in law had to adopt our dogs after I threatened them within an inch of life after the second baby arrived....)

-I swore I'd never walk around with a baby/toddler with a drippy nose. ew. gross (Um, I've got bigger fish to fry, people. This snotty kid that will scream bloody murder when I break out the tissues is the least of my worries.)

-I thought I'd never be that person with the deranged child in Target/Kroger/Kohl's/the library/church....ok, you get the point (even superior parents can't control the riffraff all of the time)
-I was sure that only really lazy parents would park their kids in front of screens. That wouldn't be me.... (see below. A mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. In fact, after baby number two I instated a 6 month post partum guilt free, unlimited screen time, piles of laundry and dirty dishes allowed grace period! I highly recommend it :)

And so on and so on. 

I'm coming to realize this - I can't know exactly what choices I will make in the future. I can hypothesize, but until I'm actually living IN it and THROUGH it, I can't know for sure what I will do. Circumstances change and I'm not so omniscient that I can know how I will change with those circumstances. Sometimes when I read my old words, I want to go back and shake myself. I want to scream, "you think you've found such freedom, but you're SO constrained by the law!" And I'm sure that five years from now I'll read some of my words and shake my head once again. Sometimes I'm afraid of sharing something because I'm afraid of future self. Or I'm afraid that if I put it into writing someone else down the road will call me out as a hypocrite because I've changed my mind. "Oh, you used to only believe in x,y,z method of discipline, but look at you now. Putting your kid in time out. tsk. tsk." So, here it is. I reserve the right to change my mind. And it's never too early or too late to do it. Some things I thought would work as a wife actually don't. Some methods I thought would work as a parent don't. Some of my perspective of what a godly woman looks like is different than I ever thought it would be. 

That doesn't mean I used to be a failure and now I have it all figured out and have arrived. Far from it. I'm just in a different place with lots of new experiences. The things I thought in the past were crucial to the process of God growing me and molding me. He ordained every step, even the ones that seem like missteps. I don't ever want to fear being called a hypocrite so much that I can't change my mind when the Holy Spirit is working. I honestly believe that it's all part of a much larger picture that I'll never be able to fully see or grasp and I want to be open to how He is leading me.

do what you can

I'm the pastor's wife, so I'm super spiritual and spend hours every day in the Word..... Joking. Obviously. Just like many of you, it's a struggle. I leave this Bible on an end table so that I can snag a few minutes here and there (longer when babies cooperate and nap), which means it's always in reach of little hands. Which means that the pages are crumpled, scribbled in, torn and taped back together - and known. I hope they grow up with memories of it sitting there and of me stealing moments with it. And hopefully more, eventually, but in the meantime I'm clinging to this : 

"Do what you can. God does not love us more when we do more, nor less when we do less. He accepts us, not because of what we do for Him, but because of what He's done for us in Christ." Donald Whitney

the growth of a spirited child

Anybody out there have an incredibly spirited and strong willed toddler? The kind that brings you to your wits end on a daily (hourly?) basis and makes you want to crawl in a hole and not come out? 

That was my Sis. I kind of dreaded going out in public with her because I never knew what was going to set her off or how long it would take the guttural demon cry to emerge as I attempted to drag her flailing (along with a baby Buddy) out of a store or playground. I didn't think we'd ever make it past that looong season from 18 months to 3 1/2. But we did. And I've almost forgotten it.

As kindergarten wrapped up her teacher commented on more than one occasion to us what a sweet and kind girl we have. We've heard similar comments from folks at church and VBS and from our friends who have kept her for us. It makes my heart swell. That's not to say we don't have hard days. She still has a strong spirit, but it's grown less harsh and more loving. Thanks, Jesus, for sustaining me in the toughest of days, for holding our whole story in your hands, and for continuing to mold and grow us past what we could ever imagine.

PS. This all came to mind as I was grocery shopping with all four kids earlier and Sis came out the total MVP. She was such a helper as Fox was being... well, Fox. I was discouraged by him and then remembered that she had been exactly the same way. Grace upon grace.

the least squeaky wheel

I'm still figuring out this big family thing and one of my biggest concerns is that everyone get enough attention for their "love tank" to be filled. As they say, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and in my house this sweet (making my heart burst today) boy is the least squeaky of them all. He's a peacemaker like his mama and tends to happily follow rather than lead. I often find myself worrying that he's going to get overlooked because he has such a sweet and easy going temperament (unless you cross him while playing video games, then he will cut you). His tank seems so much easier to fill, but I feel guilty for not giving him more time. Anyone have a similar experience? Tell me he's gonna be ok. I know that God has perfectly designed all of my children, but he's the one that I'm so afraid of royally screwing up 😬

Mother's Day

I pray that the day comes when this one calls me on Mother's Day, frazzled and driving her own crying baby around to induce a much needed nap. And I pray that I'll remember this day and tell her that I've been there and that there are more good moments than bad - just like MY mom reminded and encouraged me today while I sat in the shade of a parking lot and sipped an iced coffee. I may be counting down to bedtime, but it doesn't lessen the fact that I really really really love these little people with my whole frazzled heart. And in awfully grateful for their Mimi too. Happy Mother's Day, y'all.

Tunnel Vision

When you spend your days surrounded by little people it's easy to get tunnel vision. Even if I'm out having a play date, it's usually with people that have similarly aged children. It's hard to believe that we will EVER grow out of whatever stage we're currently living in (ahem, surviving?) no matter how many people tell you how fast it goes. That's why I'm always SO grateful for time with friends who have kids that are older than mine. I spent the morning with @lyndsaymagar which always leaves me feeling encouraged. Mamas of littles, I highly recommend seeking out someone with kids a step or two (or five) ahead of your own to spend time with. Gives a really refreshing perspective. These littles will eventually sleep, there won't be a diaper in sight, they'll be able to craft unattended, theyll be skilled enough to clothe and feed themselves.....and you'll (probably) almost forget the days that they couldn't. Here's to enjoying today and living with hope for tomorrow. The ever delicate balance.

in case of emergency

Last night I was installing a new gate to the boys' room before bed. Too hard to explain exactly what happened, but my finger got badly pinched which resulted in lots of pain and blood. As I was tending to said mangled finger I started feeling like I was going to pass out. Sis sprung into action, found my phone and called The Rev (out working) to come help. She then proceeded to get me ice while I lay on the bathroom floor (maybe a little dramatic for a finger wound, but hey) and shepherded the littles until daddy got home. I'm glad that she knows how to use my cell, which can be kinda tricky. Let this be a public service announcement to train your children how to call someone for help and what they should do in case of emergency! This really wasn't a big deal, but it's comforting to know that they'd know what to do if it was!